"Let's just be friends." Many of you had a visceral reaction to that sentence. Maybe your heart rate shot up, your muscles tensed, or you felt a slight gag reflex. Regardless, if you've ever been on the downside of uneven feelings in a relationship, those words bit you. When romantic feelings go unreciprocated, it's hard not to feel a little hurt and discouraged. It's easy to understand. Let me tell you what I don't understand: people who say rejection shouldn't hurt. After all, if your self-esteem is rooted in Christ and the love … [Read more...]
Boundaries: Where to draw the line
You ask Jane to help you set up a social event for your church. Jane says she can't because she needs to study, but insists that she would love to help out another time. Jane has good boundaries. Next you ask Mary. She pauses and gives you a bemused look. "I can't," she says in a huff. "I need some time and space for myself. I refuse to commit to something that I know will leave me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm going to maintain good boundaries here and tell you no." BOUNDARIES VS. BATTLEMENTS Mary doesn't have … [Read more...]
Draining the Drama out of Your Relationships
A little relationship drama is healthy. Strong emotions are evidence that we care about someone. In fact, if a relationship is drama-free, it might lack appropriate passion or commitment. A lack of drama, however, usually isn't the problem. You know what I'm talking about. You've got that relative, coworker, or friend in a relationship who's all drama, all the time. When drama defines a relationship, you need to find the source and drain it out. Defining Drama Here are four of the most common sources of relationship drama. 1) The … [Read more...]
Dating Moment: Let’s Get Serious
You lovebirds think you're ready to take your relationship to the next level, but are you sure? Before you get serious, here's a checklist of things to do, talk about, and inspect in your romance. Friends Most couples wait to meet the parents, but it's high time you meet your honey's close friends (and vice versa)—those interactions can reveal a lot. Facts Have a heart-to-heart about what you've experienced in your relationship histories—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and what you're looking for in another … [Read more...]
So You Married a Sinner--Now What?
Why do we have to marry flawed people? Wouldn't it have been much easier if God had worked it out so that we would be fully sanctified, then married? Who wouldn't want to marry a perfected person? Wouldn't that make marriage fundamentally easier and more enjoyable? Maybe God did get the order mixed up. Now, the reason we tend to think this way is precisely because we are so captivated by the kingdom of self. We are drawn to order, predictability, comfort, ease, pleasure, appreciation, fun, and personal happiness. These things are not … [Read more...]
How to Counsel Through Grief
My heart joined hundreds of sad hearts this week as I learned of the death of Palmer Maphet, a sophomore at Tennessee Tech University who was serving as a missionary in Maine through Baptist Collegiate Ministry. Palmer and his team were traveling to minister at Laconia Motorcycle Week in Laconia, New Hampshire, when a car accident ended his life on earth. I met Palmer on February 6 at a Freshmen Retreat that he coordinated. His leadership and organizational skills, quick smile, and the ability to talk and ice-skate simultaneously … [Read more...]
Get Real: Authentic accountability can change your life
Growing up, I knew everyone was watching me. Worse yet, I knew they wanted me to be a perfect kid. I was supposed to know the answers to all the questions, be at church whenever the doors were open, and personify God’s love in every waking moment of my life. All because my dad was the pastor. Living up to these expectations—even if unspoken—was exhausting. Even when I went to college, I lived under their heavy shadow. I was stuck in a mindset that I had to project the image of a perfect little Christian—or … [Read more...]
Time to Lower Your Dating Expectations?
It’s all bachelorette Jen Schefft’s fault. And Neil Clark Warren’s. We watched the former date two dozen hunks and still not find someone up to par for a romantic relationship, and we’ve heard the latter talk up 29 (yes, 29!) areas of compatibility that are essential for a relationship to have any chance of lasting longer than a gallon of milk in your fridge. But shows like “The Bachelorette” and Internet dating services such as Warren’s eHarmony are just part of the reason we singles can … [Read more...]
The Power of Confronting Problems
After 44 years of life, I should have learned this by now, but I learned it afresh today. When you have a problem, confront it—head on. For the past two weeks, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about a challenge I am facing. Roadblocks have been piled in the way day after day, making an imposing challenge seem completely impossible. It has caused a crisis of faith in my life, a crisis of commitment and a crisis in my family life. I felt like the ultimate ostrich, sticking my head in the sand and nearly … [Read more...]
Making Matches…Or At Least Talking About Them
Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make me a match, Find me a find, Catch me a catch Matchmaker, Matchmaker Look through your book, And make me a perfect match. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make me a match, Find me a find, Catch me a catch, Night after night in the dark I’m alone, So find me a match Of my own. These two stanzas from Fiddler on the Roof could easily be the mantra of today’s young adult. Everyone is looking for the perfect match. Of course, they have friends, family, church members, and the … [Read more...]
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